How to Express Your Preferences When You Usually Go Along With Everyone Else

By Kayleigh Supak, LPC Associate, supervised by Kelly Rice, LPC-S

“I don't care. Whatever you want.”

Sometimes that is exactly how you feel. Other times, you have a preference but would rather keep it to yourself than risk making the conversation uncomfortable.

If you would like to practice speaking up, start with a small, ordinary choice: where to meet, what time works, or which activity you would enjoy.

Expressing a preference means letting someone know what you would like while leaving room for their perspective and the practical limits of the situation.

What does assertive communication mean?

The Centre for Clinical Interventions describes assertiveness as communicating your perspective clearly and directly while respecting other people. [1]

That can be as simple as, “I would prefer to meet earlier.” You have named a preference. The other person can then tell you whether an earlier time works for them.

For this practice, the aim is to participate honestly in the decision. Agreement is something you work out together.

First, give yourself a moment to notice

Before answering an invitation or a question, try asking:

• What would I choose if I were making this decision on my own?
• What do I need to know before I answer?
• Am I comfortable with either option, or is there one I prefer?

If you need time, you might say, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you tomorrow.” Choose a time you can follow through on.

You may discover that you truly do not have a preference. You can say that, too. This exercise is an invitation to check with yourself before responding.

Try one clear sentence

Here are some original examples you can adapt:

• “I would enjoy something quieter this weekend.”
• “Saturday morning works better for me.”
• “I would like to choose the restaurant this time.”
• “I can help with setup, but I cannot stay for cleanup.”
• “I would rather keep our plans small this year.”

Choose wording that sounds natural to you. Include practical details when they help the other person understand the request.

For example, “I need to leave by two for another commitment” gives useful information. You can decide how much personal context you want to share.

Make room for negotiation

Consider this hypothetical exchange:

You: “I would prefer a quiet dinner this weekend.”

Your friend: “I was hoping to go to the festival.”

You: “Could we have dinner Friday, and you go to the festival Saturday?”

That is one possible response. You might also decide to join for part of the festival, choose a different weekend, or make separate plans. Consider what each option would mean for you and the other person.

Respectful communication includes listening as well as speaking.

Review the practice without grading your personality

Afterward, ask yourself what you actually said and what happened. Did you name your preference? Was your wording respectful? Did you have the information you needed?

Perhaps you would like to be more specific next time. Perhaps you want to ask a follow-up question. Write down one observation and one thing to try again.

Choose a low-stakes situation with someone you feel safe communicating with. If speaking up brings threats, intimidation, or punishment, seek support that takes your safety into account rather than relying on a communication script.

For related reflection, read How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty.

Let your answer include you

As fall plans come together, choose one conversation where you want to offer your actual preference. It might be about a family tradition, a weekend outing, or how much help you can offer at an event.

You can begin with: “I have a thought about what might work for me.”

Counseling in Livingston and online throughout Texas

At Rooted Path Counseling, I offer support for concerns including anxiety, self-esteem, and relationship challenges. If you would like to explore what makes speaking up difficult for you, visit Rooted Path Counseling to learn more or request a consultation.

In-person sessions are available in Livingston, Texas, with online therapy throughout Texas.

Kayleigh Supak, LPC Associate, supervised by Kelly Rice, LPC-S.

Reference

• Centre for Clinical Interventions. (2019). Assertiveness: Information and self-help resources. Government of Western Australia.

This article is for education and reflection and is not individualized mental health care. Scripts and situations are original examples, not client stories.